My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
