apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
