I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
