We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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