How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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