Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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