I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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