I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
