last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
