I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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