Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
