I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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