By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
