i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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