i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
