After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
