currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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