Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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