Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
