i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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