Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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