I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
