hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
