OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
