Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
