ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
