Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
