Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
