you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
