Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
