I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
