my soul wont recognize me after tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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