I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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