No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
