I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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