Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
