She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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