life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
