thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
