My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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