Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
