She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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