She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
