I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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