My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
