Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My dick has a subreddit
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
