the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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