I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
