she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
