They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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