I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
