Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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