this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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